best christmas ever

we had high hopes of having time for ourselves when we were planning our christmas vacation in the philippines. afterall, it's nine long years of not coming home for christmas! so we decided to stay for three days in cebu and to spend at least an overnight at sofitel in manila. we just needed this little piece of relaxation to reward ourselves after months of working abroad and raising kaela all by ourselves. come on, we deserved more than a pat on the back.

neither of the plans happened.

we reached manila at the height of the storm. it took us almost three hours on the road from naia 3 to vito cruz. we had to pass up staying at our condo in makati (we have yet stayed there since we bought it in 2012 and it must have been nice to spend even a night after three years) and went straight to my in-laws' place.

two days after we arrived, we attended my brother's wedding in bulacan. the next day, kaela was down with fever and coughing badly. two more days after, i got the same virus. to make it worse, mama was also not in her pink of health as there was some accident during one of her dialyses. not a pleasant way to start our most awaited vacation, eh? you thought so!

fast-forward two weeks....

• i had bonding time with mommy and kimm.
• papa spoke a few words to me. it was pure bliss!

• mama spent time with me and kaela in a mall nearby and we had chats in some mornings and evenings despite the sparse times she felt restless.

• we went to bataan and nueva ecija to visit francis' relatives. it's good to see nanay (francis' grandma) who, to my surprise, can still read tagalog novels without specs!

• most of my relatives on papa's side visited us on the 26th dec.

• we met up with our godparents (in marriage) - ninang chit, ninong frank, ninang lina, ninong cocoy, ninang lita and ninang marietta whom most of them we've never seen since we got married. we also had gone to ninang lulu and ninang olang's house. they were very short visits and yet, ours is the honor of spending these precious times with them.

• we met with kaela's godparents - our dear friends yel, pat, christine,  johnny,  boc and michelle. it's always nice to catch up with these amazing people. i wished we had more hours to kill.

• i had spent time with my highschool friend,  dada.  she also just embarked into a lifetime career of "motherhood"  and it's good that after all these years we still find a common ground.

• flor and hiram were generous enough to reserve their precious time, coming from paranaque and cavite, just to have time to talk and bond.

• most of the dlsu-itc friends turned up at Mama Cata's place. it's so nice to see and be friends with them through these years despite the rare chance that we gather almost everyone together in the same roof.

• our cousins,  together with kitt and i, went to a coffee shop to bond. we ended the night being quizzed by a six year old,  only to realize that intelligence doesn't always go with age.  (main highlight -  ano ang tagalog ng pond? everybody fell silent!) 

• francis got a taste of mama's traditional 'paagaw' on new year's eve. 

• we managed to spend time (mamasko,  in our common term during christmas) with our grand parents -  lolo enteng,  lolo pete and lola beth. we also went to inang chayong,  our aunt,  and never hesitated to bug her during her bedtime.  it's definitely worth being with the old-and-wise in the family. 

• it was nice to have a chat with ate cora. it's been years since we had one. 

• whenever we went to manila,  kaela bonded with her cousins. 

• i had little time talking about serious business with my brothers but they spared some time on our last day discussing our plans for 2016. (what a shame that mike wasn't even in this pic) 

we may never had time for ourselves but nothing was lost. everything seemed to have fallen into its perfect place. we enjoyed our vacation,  surrounded by people whom we love. it's more than what we asked for.

we will come back again for christmas.

by the time we flew back to sydney,  to come home to an empty house,  our hearts were torn again.  but that's for another blog.

something new for kaela

it was a busy saturday morning. work demanded some of my time that i couldn't refuse (at least, not yet). i juggled this along with my weekend routine of household chores. kitt ran an errand and in no time, kaela was also up. by 11am, i felt restless. kaela and i would skip our ritual of going to the library. i knew it!

it was providential that i had baking materials in the cupboard.

i weighed the consequences. making a mess in the kitchen? got that. kaela finding out how to turn the oven knob? got that. will it contribute to kaela's mental development? absolutely for it!

without putting another thought, i hopped her onto the kitchen stool and gave her the wooden spoon. she was ecstatic!

the next day, we asked kitt to drive us to coogie beach. it was not an easy request but a li'l guilty lines would work on kitt sometimes. i needed to shop hurriedly - suncreen and bathing suit. we did it in 30 minutes. my mind was running wild on what to pack. in the next hour, we're ready. i love my adrenaline when it comes to rushing!

 it was a perfect day. the blue sky. the heat. the warm sand and cold water.

it was my daughter's first to soak in the ocean. the first of many. she was scared as waves hit us. she must have felt how tight i held her. she'll get the hang of it in time.

i hope next week it would also be like this. i need to think of another way to coax our tatay. seven more days. well, until then.

God plants dreams

" i want a small house with a huge front and backyard for my guests."

it was a bold proposition that i made when i was praying to God this morning while in the midst of cleaning my daughter's milk bottles. having been living in australia for two and a half years, in a rented flat which we're sharing with a dear polish lady, i got used to living in a small house with limited storage. the constrained space was not really a problem to us as we can always make do with the littleness of what we have. however, we are a growing family and we're thinking of conceiving a second child next year. the space suddenly takes an ascend up the priority list. it was also the time, despite the market's gradual correction on property prices, when real estates are on its highs (the bubble might have already burst... but it's way too slow to feel it). it's too expensive to invest. too much over our budget.

but here i am, praying a house with yards around it. "i must be dreaming!", i have to remind myself. this is God whom i'm asking. i should be more confident to ask this from Him. He plants dreams, by the way.

and if he so ask why such dauntless claim, to that i will reply:

a small house so that i don't need the whole weekend to just do housekeeping ;-)

so kaela and her soon-to-be sibling (s) can enjoy running around the house, just like when i was growing up in a village

so that i can invite our growing list of friends without doing it in batches and cooking dishes for every group

it's all up to Him, really. He plants dreams. He provides.

coffee, milk and so much more

we're easy. a coffee for me and milk for kaela, and we're sold out! 

we spent our sunday lazing around in the morning and taking a nap after lunch. and just before i stepped in the shower after the siesta, the little toddler was up, in  high spirits and saying, "hi". 

kaela joined me to my afternoon sunday day-out. we headed to the library to borrow some books for our nightly reading.

not far from the library is my favorite coffee shop - the emporium coffee. we stopped by to have my most needed sip of the day while kaela had her milk delight. it was a splendid time!

 

across the coffee shop is the westfield mall where we window-shop on weekends (and always just buying coffee or going home empty-handed but more memories to tell tatay kitt). kaela was over the moon for a while when she saw the minion plush toys. the next minute she was dying to leave the pram, wanting to grab the fluffies!

in the mall, the giant christmas tree is already standing tall and grand. kaela couldn't miss not posing for a souvenir. it's always love at first sight every year!

what else could we ask for our sunday! it was perfect.

having less is more

i'm very sensitive about buying stuff. call me stingy, but this habit has taught me a lot through the years. we have a tiny home with no storage room, so you can imagine that incessant shopping and hoarding is not an option. it's the same principle i practise on kaela. we've learned to improvise the toys. to make things do. if she's bored with the usual toys, we add flavor to it by using other tiny little things we find in our cupboard.

life is simpler! i refuse to spend most of my time on weekends doing just chores. having lesser things we own means lesser to clean and keep, and more time to spend with kitt and kaela. it's a win-win!

despite unappealing to adults, she's fascinated with plastic bags, hangers and papers.

old nappy plastic and paper bags, we're in to it!

on weekends, i bring her to the mall across our street. we would hang out at the different rides, along with other children. kaela would always say hi to other kids (she's very good at that!)  we just love our time together!

oh jacaranda!

it's spring and the purple color of jacaranda tree stands out among other things around. it's like a vision of paradise! we just heard the mass at st. patrick's and we're on our way home. how can you not stop and appreciate the beauty of nature (that being said, the tree and the three of us)? it was a breezy late afternoon and traversing this area was just heaven. 

kitt, my dearest, you look so gwapo with the trees!

kaela is growing up so fast, isn't she? but she'll always be my little doll.

my second badge of honor

There. High on top of my head is what Kitt calls my second badge of honor - my sixteen stitches, crawling down to my left posterior parietal region, branding it with "C" like a cow's.

To me, I look like this comical cartoon character "Niknok" who has a clump of hair strands that sticks out above his head, resembling Alfalfa's of Little Rascals. It is the same bunch of hair that gives me a weird sensation when I lie on my back at night, poking my scalp almost endlessly until I give up and tilt my head to the right. What do I expect? He is after all a neurosurgeon, not a hair stylist (retorting to myself with a sigh)! So, I forgive him for the uneven cut, like that of a mohawk, which understated my sense of style.

I didn't expect that the doctor would recommend craniotomy (as scary as the word sounds, it is opening the skull to remove whatever is wrong inside) following the embolization (i.e. insterting a catheter to the groin and blocking the blood that flows through the abnormal area) to treat my AVM (Alteriovenous Malformation) which was diagnosed five months ago. It was not a big surprise though, because it took me less than two minutes to decide to go ahead, a hundred times faster than convincing myself whether I deserve to buy a new bag.

Perhaps, it was the knowledge that behind me are the best doctors in a hospital where endovascular neurosurgery is the specialization (Dr. Berenstein is among the top 3 endovascular surgeons in the world, if not the best; while Dr. Ghatan is the Vice-Chairman of the Neurosurgery Department). Perhaps, it was the feeling that I could not live my life always scared, always worrying when the next seizure would occur... or the bedtime preparation of wrapping the rosary in my hand, positioning my body on my side and praying terribly that the night will go through normally as it should be. This agonizing feeling made me think whether a heart attack would take me first than a fit. I despise it altogether with me replaying the scene in my head of my first (and only) seizure, looking at my husband in confusion why he was asking me a series of questions, of my friends staring at me in terror, the giddiness and the ambulance rushing me to the hospital.

Despite the stellar recognitions from the doctors, I was oriented of the risks that may happen during and post the operation (e.g. bleeding, harming the blood vessels, stroke, muscle atrophy, death). I don't know where I got all the courage but when you've done your best, had talked to the people you would leave behind (in case), accepted and surrendered all you have to the Sovereign Being, more than courage, there is peace of mind.

I was admitted to the hospital on a Sunday, followed by embolization the next day and surgery on Tuesday. I was sent back to the operating room on the same day after confirming that I had bleeding and had to drain the blood by having a separate hole for the tube. On Thursday, I let out a loud cry after the doctor forced to remove the tube for the drain in my head. The following day, I was discharged and on Saturday, I was out, strolling at the mall and watching a movie.

The recovery was fast but I also realized that my mental state was not so back yet. For days, I was staring at my credit card bills, asking myself how to do the accounting. When someone asked me to explain something (be it in my native language or in English), I paused to digest the question and asked him to repeat it again. When I was alone with my husband, I would ask him the dumbest stuffs, where no one can judge my true impairment. He would also patiently wash my hair, apply antiseptic to my incision every day, and deal with my unpredictable moods. For these few days, I was already thinking about contingency plans just in case I cannot go back to my normal duties soon but I resisted the idea that I will forever be limited. I told myself that I have a choice - to think that I am twice better now or, I am worse than before. Optimism prevailed. Days had gone by since my hospital discharge and my brain was picking up things faster. I think I am back in the game.

We had an amazing time going around the States despite my husband's anxiety whether he could bring me back home safe and not a vegetable. My dear aunt and uncle were so worried during my operation but they never failed to constantly show support and selfless love. Above all, I am so touched of all the encouragement and well-wishes of my extended family, relatives and friends.

Until now, my mom cannot still look at my head straight without any disgust. Really, it was a hell lot to take in and a hell lot to be thankful for.

Never doubt God’s goodness. He is truly amazing. Truly and incredibly amazing.

March 6, a day after my surgery

March 16, at Strawberry Fields in Central Park

P.S.

This is my second badge of honor, after my husband considered that my stressful look a year ago was the first. And I swear, if he tells me of a third form of bravery, I will demand a facial plastic surgery as a placement fee.