hi mama.
miss na miss na kita. i want someone to talk to. but i can't find anyone i can fully trust and would not judge. it's hard, mama. di ko alam if this is just an emotional surge brought about by my pregnancy...
i just miss you and it feels like no one will understand me like you did.
bakit kasi ang bilis mo nawala. i thought i would see you grow older. yung puno na ng puti ang buhok mo at makakalimutin ka na. you left us too soon.
miss na miss na kita. i love you so much.
Wednesday, April 11, 2018
Thursday, December 22, 2016
i see grace
when papa passed away in september, i had little time to mourn. my family flew back to sydney a week after his funeral and the demands of work and family immediately resumed. in between the little time at night during bedtime or the rare occasions at work when the day's not too busy, i think of him. deep inside, i wanted to cry more and to let the sorrow fill me in. i always had little time.
two months after papa was gone, mama was hospitalized. i booked a flight to manila at the spur of the moment, leaving behind my husband, kaela and work. what appeared to be as an ordinary discomfort turned out to be beyond what we imagined.
it started when mama couldn't sleep well and was restless for a few days. she was sent to a hospital in the city where she continued to be unsettled even with sedatives. when i arrived at the hospital directly from the airport, i saw her lying on her side, eyes closed, jaw bizarrely quivering and her hand constantly wiping her face every one to two minutes. i got a quick recap from my brother on what happened and talked to the nurse if there's anything more that they could do since she barely ate in the last twenty-four hours and running on dextrose seemed inadequate. only then that they placed an NGT (nasogastric tube) while she was put into a soft restraint. finally, the sedatives kicked in and she slept for two days straight. on the second night, the neurology doctor forced to wake her up. mama was flustered and had hallucinations for a few minutes when she became conscious. from then on, she was having a very low sensorium, on and off low-grade fever and would only open her eyes for one to two minutes.
the following days were a flurry of activity: three intubations (the first two had to be repeated due to a clogged tube and leakage) that later led to tracheostomy, series of needle pokes for blood tests, scans (you name it: xrays, MRIs, CT-scan, ultrasound, EEG), on boarding six specialists and the plan to perform lumbar tap. all these transpired while she continues to dialyse three times a week and fights the pre-existing pneumonia.
soon, the doctors informed us that it's likely that mama has an infection in the central nervous system - encephalitis. they could not identify though the specific infection (bacterial, viral, fungal etc.) since they couldn't perform a lumbar tap after seeing a mass (or inflammation?) in her brain. instead, they had to do an empiric treatment for the most common infections.
in the midst of all the commotion every time there are new findings, i was also up to something else. i filed for resignation at work, wrote to our property agent that we are giving up our flat, started looking for a storage to keep our stuff and hastily decided to stay in the philippines longer. it's like i was driving in a fast lane and suddenly, i had to make a sharp turn to the the opposite direction. for a time, i felt i was being stripped off with everything i have - having a complete and happy family despite papa's passing, living comfortably with kitt and kaela, having work that pays for our capriciousness and the future plan to pursue whatever that makes me happy. there were mornings of silent weeping, prayers that beckon for understanding and anxiousness of what lies ahead.
i started to miss my regular conversation with mama over the phone. it's been a month. this is by far the longest time we've never actively exchanged words. she's physically here, but still not the whole her.
yet, despite the uncertainty of what the day holds for us, there is a growing inner calmness that's building up in me in the passing of time. sure, there are daily scares here and there. slowly, they become the small and big things that i get accustomed to everyday. our predicament reminded me of the book of Job and how God replied to him, unveiling his mightiness through series of questions he asked Job.
what if God is doing our family a favor knitted in the very hem of the circumstances? this what-if propels me to believe and keep the faith that whatever happens, it will always be for our good. maybe, it's an opportunity to slow down and have quiet time for myself in the confines of the hospital. maybe, it's to spend time with what matters the most.
through it all, there are people who express their support and words of comfort, those whom we can never pay in any way. one of my aunts shared a very touching song that i keep playing over and over.
the song sums the feeling up. truly, when i look at the cross, i see grace.in spite and despite all, my family is blessed.
two months after papa was gone, mama was hospitalized. i booked a flight to manila at the spur of the moment, leaving behind my husband, kaela and work. what appeared to be as an ordinary discomfort turned out to be beyond what we imagined.
it started when mama couldn't sleep well and was restless for a few days. she was sent to a hospital in the city where she continued to be unsettled even with sedatives. when i arrived at the hospital directly from the airport, i saw her lying on her side, eyes closed, jaw bizarrely quivering and her hand constantly wiping her face every one to two minutes. i got a quick recap from my brother on what happened and talked to the nurse if there's anything more that they could do since she barely ate in the last twenty-four hours and running on dextrose seemed inadequate. only then that they placed an NGT (nasogastric tube) while she was put into a soft restraint. finally, the sedatives kicked in and she slept for two days straight. on the second night, the neurology doctor forced to wake her up. mama was flustered and had hallucinations for a few minutes when she became conscious. from then on, she was having a very low sensorium, on and off low-grade fever and would only open her eyes for one to two minutes.
the following days were a flurry of activity: three intubations (the first two had to be repeated due to a clogged tube and leakage) that later led to tracheostomy, series of needle pokes for blood tests, scans (you name it: xrays, MRIs, CT-scan, ultrasound, EEG), on boarding six specialists and the plan to perform lumbar tap. all these transpired while she continues to dialyse three times a week and fights the pre-existing pneumonia.
soon, the doctors informed us that it's likely that mama has an infection in the central nervous system - encephalitis. they could not identify though the specific infection (bacterial, viral, fungal etc.) since they couldn't perform a lumbar tap after seeing a mass (or inflammation?) in her brain. instead, they had to do an empiric treatment for the most common infections.
in the midst of all the commotion every time there are new findings, i was also up to something else. i filed for resignation at work, wrote to our property agent that we are giving up our flat, started looking for a storage to keep our stuff and hastily decided to stay in the philippines longer. it's like i was driving in a fast lane and suddenly, i had to make a sharp turn to the the opposite direction. for a time, i felt i was being stripped off with everything i have - having a complete and happy family despite papa's passing, living comfortably with kitt and kaela, having work that pays for our capriciousness and the future plan to pursue whatever that makes me happy. there were mornings of silent weeping, prayers that beckon for understanding and anxiousness of what lies ahead.
i started to miss my regular conversation with mama over the phone. it's been a month. this is by far the longest time we've never actively exchanged words. she's physically here, but still not the whole her.
yet, despite the uncertainty of what the day holds for us, there is a growing inner calmness that's building up in me in the passing of time. sure, there are daily scares here and there. slowly, they become the small and big things that i get accustomed to everyday. our predicament reminded me of the book of Job and how God replied to him, unveiling his mightiness through series of questions he asked Job.
"Who is this that obscures my plans with words without knowledge?"
Job 38:2
Job 38:2
what if God is doing our family a favor knitted in the very hem of the circumstances? this what-if propels me to believe and keep the faith that whatever happens, it will always be for our good. maybe, it's an opportunity to slow down and have quiet time for myself in the confines of the hospital. maybe, it's to spend time with what matters the most.
through it all, there are people who express their support and words of comfort, those whom we can never pay in any way. one of my aunts shared a very touching song that i keep playing over and over.
the song sums the feeling up. truly, when i look at the cross, i see grace.in spite and despite all, my family is blessed.
Sunday, May 15, 2016
in full bloom
it was a dreary saturday morning of 30th april 2016, the last day of my birth month. i jogged my way to the imaging clinic to get a follow-up ultrasound to something which turned out to be just a lymph node near my axilla.
on my way back home, i took shots of the damask roses in full bloom that ran the stretch of prince alfred square, strikingly attractive on a backdrop of a gloomy surrounding. i was suddenly lost in my pensive thoughts of the past years. so, this is the feeling to be in this age. i smiled to myself.
i began to look forward as the day unfolded.
three weeks ago, my friend lina reminded me that we should celebrate my birthday. some weeks before that, i was thinking of just having roasted chicken and ice cream at home together with kitt and kaela, a very humble celebration that relives my childhood birthdays of just having baliwag lechon manok and a gallon of selecta on the dining table. better things have transpired instead.
my birthday coincided with the picnic at olympic park with old friends who just migrated here in australia. they were my close colleagues back in makati in my 20s before i moved to singapore for a stint. all at once, i have people to share my special day with. it's like being transported back in my early 20s and being fast forwarded with our partners and children plus a few pounds (or more) on.
on the last day of my birth month, lina booked catalina rose bay for lunch. it is a fancy restaurant next to the wharf with a superb view of yachts and sailboats scattered across the bay, a picturesque scene that only accentuate the lovely vaucluse suburb.
the food was fantastic, the best i've had so far in sydney! kaela was at her best behaviour, munching everything i forked her way. it was an afternoon of just bliss and indulgence.
the sky cleared out in the middle of our lunch that we had the time to take more pictures.
i didn't regret celebrating my birthday the fancier way. nine years ago, i told myself that at thirty-five i would make it as an option to stop working and to focus on being a mom. it was just a vision that time. i know that God had been so faithful to all my prayers all along. yes, giving up work at any moment is just a matter of choice now.
at thirty-five, at the height of motherhood and a happy marriage, it feels that all i dreamt are just there in front of me, ready to be savoured to the fullest. and like the rose budding out until its petals stretch out in full length, i'm grateful to have lived to this year, undoubtedly fulfilled and contented.
on my way back home, i took shots of the damask roses in full bloom that ran the stretch of prince alfred square, strikingly attractive on a backdrop of a gloomy surrounding. i was suddenly lost in my pensive thoughts of the past years. so, this is the feeling to be in this age. i smiled to myself.
i began to look forward as the day unfolded.
three weeks ago, my friend lina reminded me that we should celebrate my birthday. some weeks before that, i was thinking of just having roasted chicken and ice cream at home together with kitt and kaela, a very humble celebration that relives my childhood birthdays of just having baliwag lechon manok and a gallon of selecta on the dining table. better things have transpired instead.
my birthday coincided with the picnic at olympic park with old friends who just migrated here in australia. they were my close colleagues back in makati in my 20s before i moved to singapore for a stint. all at once, i have people to share my special day with. it's like being transported back in my early 20s and being fast forwarded with our partners and children plus a few pounds (or more) on.
having palabok, sausage and chicken barbeque for lunch
priceless walk at the park
only age has changed :P
on the last day of my birth month, lina booked catalina rose bay for lunch. it is a fancy restaurant next to the wharf with a superb view of yachts and sailboats scattered across the bay, a picturesque scene that only accentuate the lovely vaucluse suburb.
the food was fantastic, the best i've had so far in sydney! kaela was at her best behaviour, munching everything i forked her way. it was an afternoon of just bliss and indulgence.
wine:
pinot noir
shiraz
entree:
white peaches
baby octopus
brocollini with cheese
mashed potato
main:
grass-fed beef tenderloin, baby vegetables, king brown mushroom, anchovy butter and red wine jus
glacier 51 toothfish with baby octopus in consomme
dessert:
a selection of 5 smaller desserts
- mango panna cotta, mango lime salad and
coconut sorbet
- caramelised fig with bitter caramel
mousse, brik pastry and sugared pistachio
- valrhona dark chocolate and caramelia
mousse with caramel ice cream
- classic lemon tart with mascarpone
- vacherin of coconut ice cream and raspberry sorbet
the sky cleared out in the middle of our lunch that we had the time to take more pictures.
my beautiful family
our dear friends, willy and lina
photo with backdrop of the bay and vaucluse
"i want to go down now nanay!"
posing at the roses
with our corvette :P
i didn't regret celebrating my birthday the fancier way. nine years ago, i told myself that at thirty-five i would make it as an option to stop working and to focus on being a mom. it was just a vision that time. i know that God had been so faithful to all my prayers all along. yes, giving up work at any moment is just a matter of choice now.
at thirty-five, at the height of motherhood and a happy marriage, it feels that all i dreamt are just there in front of me, ready to be savoured to the fullest. and like the rose budding out until its petals stretch out in full length, i'm grateful to have lived to this year, undoubtedly fulfilled and contented.
Saturday, April 23, 2016
drawing and kaela
i realized that i love drawing. a cat. a monkey. a bear. you name it. it is, i think, an awareness i would not discover until i setup the paper on the wall and introduced kaela to a world of making different strokes.
despite the many nights that i come home tired, drawing seems to relax me. it deviates my attention to something other than analysis, auditing, parenting and cleaning. it''s like entertaining the child in me and encouraging it to be creative. to be "me".
so, while kaela is having fun drawing lines, i'm also having the time of my night.
despite the many nights that i come home tired, drawing seems to relax me. it deviates my attention to something other than analysis, auditing, parenting and cleaning. it''s like entertaining the child in me and encouraging it to be creative. to be "me".
so, while kaela is having fun drawing lines, i'm also having the time of my night.
nanay, take a picture of me with my hand raised up!
tracing the apple
Monday, March 28, 2016
that polish kind of easter lunch
our housemate and friend we fondly call "ciocia bo" invited us for a polish style easter lunch. she briefed us that the theme of the dishes would be anything with eggs, as symbolized by Jesus' resurrection from the tomb. it was an interesting likeness as i was not aware why egg is popular during easter despite the prolific usage of "easter egg". francis and i were excited but at the same time pondering how filling it could be to have just eggs for lunch (please understand that filipinos are very fond of rice in every meal and the thought of having just egg could be a little new to us even more so for lunch).
i was wrong. it was such a heavy lunch after eating to my heart's content!
to start with, we had kir (made from black currant) and semillon wine mix.
there were three appetizers (aside from bread and butter that was served on the side) served in bowls:
stuffed egg: a mixture of yolk, mayonnaise, garlic, dill stirred together and stuffed back to egg halves
egg and mushroom garnished with spring onion
a salad with ham, cheese and corn
i was so full by the end of the entrées. i certainly underestimated how heavy they were that i overindulged, scooping twice from the serving bowls each time!
the main was a beautiful and traditional white barzcz żurek, made from fermented wheat and served with white and brown sausages and halved boiled eggs. the sour taste of the soup blended with the smoked sausage and marjoram was exceptional. it is the kind of taste that i think will stay with me for a long time.
for dessert, we had mazurek topped with dark chocolate, walnut and coconut flakes; and pascha with orange peel and raisins shaped like the tomb of Jesus.
it was not like our ordinary lunch. it was cooked with ciocia bo's heart and soul
(together with her two friends who brought the two appetizers). now i understood why she hid for two days in the kitchen.
i was wrong. it was such a heavy lunch after eating to my heart's content!
to start with, we had kir (made from black currant) and semillon wine mix.
there were three appetizers (aside from bread and butter that was served on the side) served in bowls:
stuffed egg: a mixture of yolk, mayonnaise, garlic, dill stirred together and stuffed back to egg halves
egg and mushroom garnished with spring onion
a salad with ham, cheese and corn
three appetizers neatly set on the dining
i was so full by the end of the entrées. i certainly underestimated how heavy they were that i overindulged, scooping twice from the serving bowls each time!
the main was a beautiful and traditional white barzcz żurek, made from fermented wheat and served with white and brown sausages and halved boiled eggs. the sour taste of the soup blended with the smoked sausage and marjoram was exceptional. it is the kind of taste that i think will stay with me for a long time.
very rich barzcz żurek soup
for dessert, we had mazurek topped with dark chocolate, walnut and coconut flakes; and pascha with orange peel and raisins shaped like the tomb of Jesus.
mazurek
pascha
it was not like our ordinary lunch. it was cooked with ciocia bo's heart and soul
(together with her two friends who brought the two appetizers). now i understood why she hid for two days in the kitchen.
the polish ladies and me
kaela's prim and proper before the easter lunch
a day at hunter valley
we turned down lina's invitation to go to hunter valley on black saturday. we thought that we would be busy on good friday for a picnic and catching up with friends that we wouldn't have the energy to go out the next day. our plan didn't pan out quite well and we ended up relaxing in most part of the day. by late friday afternoon, we agreed to push through the plan to join my friend and her family.
a coach was booked to give us a private tour of the area. the place is located two hours away north of sydney and is very popular for its wineries. according to james, our driver, there are about 170 wineries in hunter valley and about 40 plus varieties of wine. i confirmed the fact that wineries are not really that profitable to embark on. why, the number of competitors in the area, the temperamental weather in the valley, the bottling plus the agricultural expenses and labour to maintain a vineyard are just so big an outlay. i can only imagine!
we went to a couple of wineries in pokolbin (one of the villages in the valley) : bimbadgen, cellar door, towers, roche estate. pinot noir, semillon, moscato, pinot gris, shiraz, sauvignon blanc were some of the wines i had the pleasure of tasting. apart from my all time favorite moscato, i found another love in pinot noir. i would keep it in memory to come back to bimbadgen and enjoy this wine with the hint of earthiness and sweet spice.
i'm not really a wine fanatic but having a good wine to pair with a nice meat is something i appreciate from time to time. as the quote from the magazine goes, "one's life is too short to keep drinking a bad wine". that's true, somehow. but you see, if you have a true love, it's like also having a good wine... it gets better with time. i decided to stick with my true love. =)
we had lunch at amanda's. it's a restaurant with the feel of a cottage house and al fresco dining. we were served with ciabatta and butter for starter. kitt liked the beef eye fillet with potatoes. i ordered lamb rack with spinach in filo pastry. the spinach was overbaked and the lamb was dry. the slow service didn't help the hungry tummies at half past one. the price tag... well, that's something you don't ask when you're in hunter valley. you pay for the experience.
the roche estate, which we went to for wine tasting, has also a small stall where cheese, bread and gelato are sold. a lady was kind enough to let us have cheese tasting despite having no booking in advance. the pesto cheese was nice but i decided to go for garlic and herb fromage frais. francis stayed with kaela in the van and i bought him forest fruit gelato, which was very good for the the hot temperature in the parking lot.
before we ended the day, we went for a cup of coffee. james took us to an old convent, now converted to a winery - the peppers convent, next to roberts circa 1876. the manicured garden with benches was a good spot to enjoy a hot drink to cap the afternoon. much to our disappointment, the place just closed for the day. we traveled back to hunter valley chocolate company to get our caffeine fix.
the large parcel of land behind the restaurant served as a grazing area for cows. kaela and i attempted to go to the cows but the fellas tending the area whistled at us to come back. we just moo-ed at the cows from a distance, as mighty as we could (kaela must be thrilled to have a nanay as young at heart as her!).
we came home with a happy heart, full of good memories to share and tell. will we come back again? only time and moolah can tell!
a coach was booked to give us a private tour of the area. the place is located two hours away north of sydney and is very popular for its wineries. according to james, our driver, there are about 170 wineries in hunter valley and about 40 plus varieties of wine. i confirmed the fact that wineries are not really that profitable to embark on. why, the number of competitors in the area, the temperamental weather in the valley, the bottling plus the agricultural expenses and labour to maintain a vineyard are just so big an outlay. i can only imagine!
we went to a couple of wineries in pokolbin (one of the villages in the valley) : bimbadgen, cellar door, towers, roche estate. pinot noir, semillon, moscato, pinot gris, shiraz, sauvignon blanc were some of the wines i had the pleasure of tasting. apart from my all time favorite moscato, i found another love in pinot noir. i would keep it in memory to come back to bimbadgen and enjoy this wine with the hint of earthiness and sweet spice.
in front of bimbadgen entrance
i'm not really a wine fanatic but having a good wine to pair with a nice meat is something i appreciate from time to time. as the quote from the magazine goes, "one's life is too short to keep drinking a bad wine". that's true, somehow. but you see, if you have a true love, it's like also having a good wine... it gets better with time. i decided to stick with my true love. =)
with my true loves
we stopped at hunter valley chocolate company for a sweet treat. the place was packed with tourists hoping to get their fair share of chocolatey fudgy goodness. i bought a gluten free nougat for a dear colleague at work who celebrated her birthday the day before. i was thinking to buy the blue cheese salad dressing (yes, they also sell dressing, olives, oil and chili paste) but after checking the ingredients, i agreed with francis that it's doable at home. other than that, we're just ok looking around and keeping kaela's hands busy so she wouldn't grab anything we're passing by.
chocolate tasting
at the entrance of hunter valley chocolate company
we had lunch at amanda's. it's a restaurant with the feel of a cottage house and al fresco dining. we were served with ciabatta and butter for starter. kitt liked the beef eye fillet with potatoes. i ordered lamb rack with spinach in filo pastry. the spinach was overbaked and the lamb was dry. the slow service didn't help the hungry tummies at half past one. the price tag... well, that's something you don't ask when you're in hunter valley. you pay for the experience.
amanda's restaurant provided a good cottage house ambience
making a good use of the waiting moment by taking a group photo
the roche estate, which we went to for wine tasting, has also a small stall where cheese, bread and gelato are sold. a lady was kind enough to let us have cheese tasting despite having no booking in advance. the pesto cheese was nice but i decided to go for garlic and herb fromage frais. francis stayed with kaela in the van and i bought him forest fruit gelato, which was very good for the the hot temperature in the parking lot.
cheese tasting at roche estate
a view of roche estate with its pleasant and very modern architecture
what will you do if you have a room filled with cheese?
before we ended the day, we went for a cup of coffee. james took us to an old convent, now converted to a winery - the peppers convent, next to roberts circa 1876. the manicured garden with benches was a good spot to enjoy a hot drink to cap the afternoon. much to our disappointment, the place just closed for the day. we traveled back to hunter valley chocolate company to get our caffeine fix.
coffee fix with the whole group
with lina's niece, kellen
the large parcel of land behind the restaurant served as a grazing area for cows. kaela and i attempted to go to the cows but the fellas tending the area whistled at us to come back. we just moo-ed at the cows from a distance, as mighty as we could (kaela must be thrilled to have a nanay as young at heart as her!).
an escape to the cows
we came home with a happy heart, full of good memories to share and tell. will we come back again? only time and moolah can tell!
Friday, March 25, 2016
a good friday morning at mulgoa
my body knew i needed to get up early. and so, at 3:41am, even before the cock crowed (and of course, there's no such thing around the apartment we live in), sleep left me with no choice.
the morning was still very young but the clanging in the kitchen had started. the oven was set to pre-heat. the frozen spinach, defrosted. the puff pastry, thawed by the brewing warmth in the room. soon enough, the spinach and ricotta quiche aroma filled every corner. it's done and it's time to start the day.
i woke up francis. then kaela. i checked my phone to confirm that lichelle, our friend, would make it.
the trip to mulgoa lasted for 33 minutes. it is a place frequented by catholic devotees to celebrate holy week by doing stations of the cross. the parking was still not packed. it was a chilly and dismal morning that i was half regretful that i didn't bring a jacket.
nevertheless, the mission to reflect on Jesus' suffering still carried on. above all else, it was the most important task of the day. i thanked the moment. it is not always that i get to re-learn and refresh my memory of what happened during that fateful day of Christ's ordeal to redeem us sinners.
the light drizzle signaled the end of our short journey.
God is good all the time. all the time, God is good.
the morning was still very young but the clanging in the kitchen had started. the oven was set to pre-heat. the frozen spinach, defrosted. the puff pastry, thawed by the brewing warmth in the room. soon enough, the spinach and ricotta quiche aroma filled every corner. it's done and it's time to start the day.
i would never want anything more than a freshly baked quiche in the morning
the trip to mulgoa lasted for 33 minutes. it is a place frequented by catholic devotees to celebrate holy week by doing stations of the cross. the parking was still not packed. it was a chilly and dismal morning that i was half regretful that i didn't bring a jacket.
nevertheless, the mission to reflect on Jesus' suffering still carried on. above all else, it was the most important task of the day. i thanked the moment. it is not always that i get to re-learn and refresh my memory of what happened during that fateful day of Christ's ordeal to redeem us sinners.
the light drizzle signaled the end of our short journey.
God is good all the time. all the time, God is good.
walking back to the car after the stations of the cross to enjoy a good bite of our quiche
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