Saturday, May 30, 2020

hello, 2018 and thank you for the strength, 2017!

the truth is, i didn't intend to blog soon. 2017 brought me a mix of overwhelming emotions that i still feel so fragile to share. but in front of the pc, pondering whether to book a trip in May or not, i opened my blog and began reading a few articles i wrote in the past; half-testing if i was still the same person in the blog before the series of incidents happened last year.

2017 is a year of wisdom, if i may put it in a more optimistic light. the year we lost mama after being in coma for six months. the year we lost my sister-in-law, alice, to eclampsia. the year i resigned from my post. the year we lost daddy, my father-in-law, due to cardiac arrest. it was also the year we are graced by baby dudut's (alice's baby) presence and the time i got to know my daughter deeper since my sidekick, kitt, was in Australia.

if someone will take everything at face value, perhaps he will deduce that it was an unfortunate year for our family. it was a trying year but it's also an important milestone to most of my dreams.

you are confused now, i suppose.

10 years ago (that's even before i got married, way before i knew i would marry francis), i planned my game plan. i laid down what i wanted to happen to my future and my family. i wanted to be a full-time mom by the age of 35. should my family need my help to our ageing parents, i could give up my job in a snap of my fingers while not compromising my monetary assistance to them. i wanted to homeschool my kids.

all these visions did happen in 2017, in the midst of our family's crisis.

don't get me wrong. there were many times it felt like God abandoned us. i am only human, susceptible to doubt His deliverance. His wisdom is far greater than my mortal understanding. His glory is exalted in every angle i look at. He remained true to my heart's desires.

post-script.

this article was published and unfinished.

oh, katriane

when our second child, katriane, was born, it was surprisingly a breeze than the first one. mother's instinct came naturally. there is more patience spared. more forbearance of how the house looks. the little tasks completed are celebrated with ounces of gratefulness. and though the daily drama is almost inevitable, apologies and forgiveness abound everyday.

being a parent is never, ever easy. but the hugs, that used to be from one child, is doubled up right away with the arrival of another one. talk about God's way of showering you with more love. though many times it can be restless, the little time leaves little room to complain.

post-script.

this is an unfinished work. i just want to deliver something with emotions which are very raw after the birth of our second child.

Friday, July 13, 2018

God's lesson of love as edified in parenting

it was a little shy from 3am when i woke up and found it hard to sleep again.

it was also the time i mulled over a recent incident with kaela as i taught her to write "E" and "F". you see, we usually spend 1-1.5 hours a day filling up a sheet of pad with 2 letters. during this time, we would have a surge of temper - complaining, bickering, whimpering... more grinding, frustration... desperation. it was hard. the first time is always hard. i am a disciplinarian when i teach. i push her to her limits until she breaks away and realizes that she's more than capable of what she thinks she can. it was a difficult process.

every time she wrote the letter well, she asked, "nanay, are you happy? why are you not smiling?" as if doing it right will earn my love for her; when in fact, whether she learns it that day or not, my love for her is just the same. nothing less.

this made me realize something about God's love, how it's not earned and it's a grace. nothing can separate us from it. it's a gift. of course, there would be a time of desperation, when we think that He abandons us. we just have to trust the process and seek Him throughout. eventually, the situation will transform us to become the beautiful version of  ourselves. just wait and see.

before the day ends, just a note to self, i'll have to re-emphasize it again to my almost-four-year-old kid - that she is loved, no matter what.


she practised and she realized she's good.

Wednesday, April 11, 2018

to my dearest mama

hi mama.

miss na miss na kita. i want someone to talk to. but i can't find anyone i can fully trust and would not judge. it's hard, mama. di ko alam if this is just an emotional surge brought about by my pregnancy...

i just miss you and it feels like no one will understand me like you did.

bakit kasi ang bilis mo nawala. i thought i would see you grow older. yung puno na ng puti ang buhok mo at makakalimutin ka na. you left us too soon.

miss na miss na kita. i love you so much.

Thursday, December 22, 2016

i see grace

when papa passed away in september, i had little time to mourn. my family flew back to sydney a week after his funeral and the demands of work and family immediately resumed. in between the little time at night during bedtime or the rare occasions at work when the day's not too busy, i think of him. deep inside, i wanted to cry more and to let the sorrow fill me in. i always had little time.

two months after papa was gone, mama was hospitalized. i booked a flight to manila at the spur of the moment, leaving behind my husband, kaela and work. what appeared to be as an ordinary discomfort turned out to be beyond what we imagined.

it started when mama couldn't sleep well and was restless for a few days. she was sent to a hospital in the city where she continued to be unsettled even with sedatives. when i arrived at the hospital directly from the airport, i saw her lying on her side, eyes closed, jaw bizarrely quivering and her hand constantly wiping her face every one to two minutes. i got a quick recap from my brother on what happened and talked to the nurse if there's anything more that they could do since she barely ate in the last twenty-four hours and running on dextrose seemed inadequate. only then that they placed an NGT (nasogastric tube) while she was put into a soft restraint. finally, the sedatives kicked in and she slept for two days straight. on the second night, the neurology doctor forced to wake her up. mama was flustered and had hallucinations for a few minutes when she became conscious. from then on, she was having a very low sensorium, on and off low-grade fever and would only open her eyes for one to two minutes.

the following days were a flurry of activity: three intubations (the first two had to be repeated due to a clogged tube and leakage) that later led to tracheostomy, series of needle pokes for blood tests, scans (you name it: xrays, MRIs, CT-scan, ultrasound, EEG), on boarding six specialists and the plan to perform lumbar tap. all these transpired while she continues to dialyse three times a week and fights the pre-existing pneumonia.

soon, the doctors informed us that it's likely that mama has an infection in the central nervous system - encephalitis. they could not identify though the specific infection (bacterial, viral, fungal etc.) since they couldn't perform a lumbar tap after seeing a mass (or inflammation?)  in her brain. instead, they had to do an empiric treatment for the most common infections.

in the midst of all the commotion every time there are new findings, i was also up to something else. i filed for resignation at work, wrote to our property agent that we are giving up our flat, started looking for a storage to keep our stuff and hastily decided to stay in the philippines longer. it's like i was driving in a fast lane and suddenly, i had to make a sharp turn to the the opposite direction. for a time, i felt i was being stripped off with everything i have - having a complete and happy family despite papa's passing, living comfortably with kitt and kaela, having work that pays for our capriciousness and the future plan to pursue whatever that makes me happy. there were mornings of silent weeping, prayers that beckon for understanding and anxiousness of what lies ahead.

i started to miss my regular conversation with mama over the phone. it's been a month. this is by far the longest time we've never actively exchanged words. she's physically here, but still not the whole her.

yet, despite the uncertainty of what the day holds for us, there is a growing inner calmness that's building up in me in the passing of time. sure, there are daily scares here and there. slowly, they become the small and big things that i get accustomed to everyday. our predicament reminded me of the book of Job and how God replied to him, unveiling his mightiness through series of questions he asked Job.

"Who is this that obscures my plans with words without knowledge?"
Job 38:2

what if God is doing our family a favor knitted in the very hem of the circumstances? this what-if propels me to believe and keep the faith that whatever happens, it will always be for our good. maybe, it's an opportunity to slow down and have quiet time for myself in the confines of the hospital. maybe, it's to spend time with what matters the most.

through it all, there are people who express their support and words of comfort, those whom we can never pay in any way. one of my aunts shared a very touching song that i keep playing over and over.



the song sums the feeling up. truly, when i look at the cross, i see grace.in spite and despite all, my family is blessed.

Sunday, May 15, 2016

in full bloom

it was a dreary saturday morning of 30th april 2016, the last day of my birth month. i jogged my way to the imaging clinic to get a follow-up ultrasound to something which turned out to be just a lymph node near my axilla.

on my way back home, i took shots of the damask roses in full bloom that ran the stretch of prince alfred square, strikingly attractive on a backdrop of a gloomy surrounding. i was suddenly lost in my pensive thoughts of the past years. so, this is the feeling to be in this age.  i smiled to myself.

i began to look forward as the day unfolded.

three weeks ago, my friend lina reminded me that we should celebrate my birthday. some weeks before that, i was thinking of just having roasted chicken and ice cream at home together with kitt and kaela, a very humble celebration that relives my childhood birthdays of just having baliwag lechon manok and a gallon of selecta on the dining table. better things have transpired instead.

my birthday coincided with the picnic at olympic park with old friends who just migrated here in australia. they were my close colleagues back in makati in my 20s before i moved to singapore for a stint. all at once, i have people to share my special day with. it's like being transported back in my early 20s and being fast forwarded with our partners and children plus a few pounds (or more) on.

having palabok, sausage and chicken barbeque for lunch


priceless walk at the park


only age has changed :P


on the last day of my birth month, lina booked catalina rose bay for lunch. it is a fancy restaurant next to the wharf with a superb view of yachts and sailboats scattered across the bay, a  picturesque scene that only accentuate the lovely vaucluse suburb.

the food was fantastic, the best i've had so far in sydney! kaela was at her best behaviour, munching everything i forked her way. it was an afternoon of just bliss and indulgence.


wine:
pinot noir
shiraz

entree:

white peaches


baby octopus


brocollini with cheese



mashed potato


main:
grass-fed beef tenderloin, baby vegetables, king brown mushroom, anchovy butter and red wine jus


glacier 51 toothfish with baby octopus in consomme


dessert:

a selection of 5 smaller desserts

- mango panna cotta, mango lime salad and coconut sorbet
- caramelised fig with bitter caramel mousse, brik pastry and sugared pistachio
- valrhona dark chocolate and caramelia mousse with caramel ice cream
- classic lemon tart with mascarpone
- vacherin of coconut ice cream and raspberry sorbet


the sky cleared out in the middle of our lunch that we had the time to take more pictures.



my beautiful family

 our dear friends, willy and lina

 photo with backdrop of the bay and vaucluse

"i want to go down now nanay!" 
posing at the roses

with our corvette :P




i didn't regret celebrating my birthday the fancier way. nine years ago, i told myself that at thirty-five i would make it as an option to stop working and to focus on being a mom. it was just a vision that time. i know that God had been so faithful to all my prayers all along. yes, giving up work at any moment is just a matter of choice now.

at thirty-five, at the height of motherhood and a happy marriage, it feels that all i dreamt are just there in front of me, ready to be savoured to the fullest.  and like the rose budding out until its petals stretch out in full length, i'm grateful to have lived to this year,  undoubtedly fulfilled and contented.

Saturday, April 23, 2016

drawing and kaela

i realized that i love drawing. a cat. a monkey. a bear. you name it. it is, i think, an awareness i would not discover until i setup the paper on the wall and introduced kaela to a world of making different strokes.

despite the many nights that i come home tired, drawing seems to relax me. it deviates my attention to something other than analysis, auditing, parenting and cleaning. it''s like entertaining the child in me and encouraging it to be creative. to be "me".

so, while kaela is having fun drawing lines, i'm also having the time of my night.
 

 nanay, take a picture of me with my hand raised up!

tracing the apple