i see grace

when papa passed away in september, i had little time to mourn. my family flew back to sydney a week after his funeral and the demands of work and family immediately resumed. in between the little time at night during bedtime or the rare occasions at work when the day's not too busy, i think of him. deep inside, i wanted to cry more and to let the sorrow fill me in. i always had little time.

two months after papa was gone, mama was hospitalized. i booked a flight to manila at the spur of the moment, leaving behind my husband, kaela and work. what appeared to be as an ordinary discomfort turned out to be beyond what we imagined.

it started when mama couldn't sleep well and was restless for a few days. she was sent to a hospital in the city where she continued to be unsettled even with sedatives. when i arrived at the hospital directly from the airport, i saw her lying on her side, eyes closed, jaw bizarrely quivering and her hand constantly wiping her face every one to two minutes. i got a quick recap from my brother on what happened and talked to the nurse if there's anything more that they could do since she barely ate in the last twenty-four hours and running on dextrose seemed inadequate. only then that they placed an NGT (nasogastric tube) while she was put into a soft restraint. finally, the sedatives kicked in and she slept for two days straight. on the second night, the neurology doctor forced to wake her up. mama was flustered and had hallucinations for a few minutes when she became conscious. from then on, she was having a very low sensorium, on and off low-grade fever and would only open her eyes for one to two minutes.

the following days were a flurry of activity: three intubations (the first two had to be repeated due to a clogged tube and leakage) that later led to tracheostomy, series of needle pokes for blood tests, scans (you name it: xrays, MRIs, CT-scan, ultrasound, EEG), on boarding six specialists and the plan to perform lumbar tap. all these transpired while she continues to dialyse three times a week and fights the pre-existing pneumonia.

soon, the doctors informed us that it's likely that mama has an infection in the central nervous system - encephalitis. they could not identify though the specific infection (bacterial, viral, fungal etc.) since they couldn't perform a lumbar tap after seeing a mass (or inflammation?)  in her brain. instead, they had to do an empiric treatment for the most common infections.

in the midst of all the commotion every time there are new findings, i was also up to something else. i filed for resignation at work, wrote to our property agent that we are giving up our flat, started looking for a storage to keep our stuff and hastily decided to stay in the philippines longer. it's like i was driving in a fast lane and suddenly, i had to make a sharp turn to the the opposite direction. for a time, i felt i was being stripped off with everything i have - having a complete and happy family despite papa's passing, living comfortably with kitt and kaela, having work that pays for our capriciousness and the future plan to pursue whatever that makes me happy. there were mornings of silent weeping, prayers that beckon for understanding and anxiousness of what lies ahead.

i started to miss my regular conversation with mama over the phone. it's been a month. this is by far the longest time we've never actively exchanged words. she's physically here, but still not the whole her.

yet, despite the uncertainty of what the day holds for us, there is a growing inner calmness that's building up in me in the passing of time. sure, there are daily scares here and there. slowly, they become the small and big things that i get accustomed to everyday. our predicament reminded me of the book of Job and how God replied to him, unveiling his mightiness through series of questions he asked Job.

"Who is this that obscures my plans with words without knowledge?"
Job 38:2

what if God is doing our family a favor knitted in the very hem of the circumstances? this what-if propels me to believe and keep the faith that whatever happens, it will always be for our good. maybe, it's an opportunity to slow down and have quiet time for myself in the confines of the hospital. maybe, it's to spend time with what matters the most.

through it all, there are people who express their support and words of comfort, those whom we can never pay in any way. one of my aunts shared a very touching song that i keep playing over and over.

the song sums the feeling up. truly, when i look at the cross, i see grace.in spite and despite all, my family is blessed.