i see grace

when papa passed away in september, i had little time to mourn. my family flew back to sydney a week after his funeral and the demands of work and family immediately resumed. in between the little time at night during bedtime or the rare occasions at work when the day's not too busy, i think of him. deep inside, i wanted to cry more and to let the sorrow fill me in. i always had little time.

two months after papa was gone, mama was hospitalized. i booked a flight to manila at the spur of the moment, leaving behind my husband, kaela and work. what appeared to be as an ordinary discomfort turned out to be beyond what we imagined.

it started when mama couldn't sleep well and was restless for a few days. she was sent to a hospital in the city where she continued to be unsettled even with sedatives. when i arrived at the hospital directly from the airport, i saw her lying on her side, eyes closed, jaw bizarrely quivering and her hand constantly wiping her face every one to two minutes. i got a quick recap from my brother on what happened and talked to the nurse if there's anything more that they could do since she barely ate in the last twenty-four hours and running on dextrose seemed inadequate. only then that they placed an NGT (nasogastric tube) while she was put into a soft restraint. finally, the sedatives kicked in and she slept for two days straight. on the second night, the neurology doctor forced to wake her up. mama was flustered and had hallucinations for a few minutes when she became conscious. from then on, she was having a very low sensorium, on and off low-grade fever and would only open her eyes for one to two minutes.

the following days were a flurry of activity: three intubations (the first two had to be repeated due to a clogged tube and leakage) that later led to tracheostomy, series of needle pokes for blood tests, scans (you name it: xrays, MRIs, CT-scan, ultrasound, EEG), on boarding six specialists and the plan to perform lumbar tap. all these transpired while she continues to dialyse three times a week and fights the pre-existing pneumonia.

soon, the doctors informed us that it's likely that mama has an infection in the central nervous system - encephalitis. they could not identify though the specific infection (bacterial, viral, fungal etc.) since they couldn't perform a lumbar tap after seeing a mass (or inflammation?)  in her brain. instead, they had to do an empiric treatment for the most common infections.

in the midst of all the commotion every time there are new findings, i was also up to something else. i filed for resignation at work, wrote to our property agent that we are giving up our flat, started looking for a storage to keep our stuff and hastily decided to stay in the philippines longer. it's like i was driving in a fast lane and suddenly, i had to make a sharp turn to the the opposite direction. for a time, i felt i was being stripped off with everything i have - having a complete and happy family despite papa's passing, living comfortably with kitt and kaela, having work that pays for our capriciousness and the future plan to pursue whatever that makes me happy. there were mornings of silent weeping, prayers that beckon for understanding and anxiousness of what lies ahead.

i started to miss my regular conversation with mama over the phone. it's been a month. this is by far the longest time we've never actively exchanged words. she's physically here, but still not the whole her.

yet, despite the uncertainty of what the day holds for us, there is a growing inner calmness that's building up in me in the passing of time. sure, there are daily scares here and there. slowly, they become the small and big things that i get accustomed to everyday. our predicament reminded me of the book of Job and how God replied to him, unveiling his mightiness through series of questions he asked Job.

"Who is this that obscures my plans with words without knowledge?"
Job 38:2

what if God is doing our family a favor knitted in the very hem of the circumstances? this what-if propels me to believe and keep the faith that whatever happens, it will always be for our good. maybe, it's an opportunity to slow down and have quiet time for myself in the confines of the hospital. maybe, it's to spend time with what matters the most.

through it all, there are people who express their support and words of comfort, those whom we can never pay in any way. one of my aunts shared a very touching song that i keep playing over and over.

the song sums the feeling up. truly, when i look at the cross, i see grace.in spite and despite all, my family is blessed.

in full bloom

it was a dreary saturday morning of 30th april 2016, the last day of my birth month. i jogged my way to the imaging clinic to get a follow-up ultrasound to something which turned out to be just a lymph node near my axilla.

on my way back home, i took shots of the damask roses in full bloom that ran the stretch of prince alfred square, strikingly attractive on a backdrop of a gloomy surrounding. i was suddenly lost in my pensive thoughts of the past years. so, this is the feeling to be in this age.  i smiled to myself.

i began to look forward as the day unfolded.

three weeks ago, my friend lina reminded me that we should celebrate my birthday. some weeks before that, i was thinking of just having roasted chicken and ice cream at home together with kitt and kaela, a very humble celebration that relives my childhood birthdays of just having baliwag lechon manok and a gallon of selecta on the dining table. better things have transpired instead.

my birthday coincided with the picnic at olympic park with old friends who just migrated here in australia. they were my close colleagues back in makati in my 20s before i moved to singapore for a stint. all at once, i have people to share my special day with. it's like being transported back in my early 20s and being fast forwarded with our partners and children plus a few pounds (or more) on.

having palabok, sausage and chicken barbeque for lunch

priceless walk at the park

only age has changed :P

on the last day of my birth month, lina booked catalina rose bay for lunch. it is a fancy restaurant next to the wharf with a superb view of yachts and sailboats scattered across the bay, a  picturesque scene that only accentuate the lovely vaucluse suburb.

the food was fantastic, the best i've had so far in sydney! kaela was at her best behaviour, munching everything i forked her way. it was an afternoon of just bliss and indulgence.

wine:

pinot noir

shiraz

entree:

white peaches

baby octopus

brocollini with cheese

mashed potato

main:

grass-fed beef tenderloin, baby vegetables, king brown mushroom, anchovy butter and red wine jus

glacier 51 toothfish with baby octopus in consomme

dessert:

a selection of 5 smaller desserts

- mango panna cotta, mango lime salad and coconut sorbet

- caramelised fig with bitter caramel mousse, brik pastry and sugared pistachio

- valrhona dark chocolate and caramelia mousse with caramel ice cream

- classic lemon tart with mascarpone

- vacherin of coconut ice cream and raspberry sorbet

the sky cleared out in the middle of our lunch that we had the time to take more pictures.

my beautiful family

 our dear friends, willy and lina

 photo with backdrop of the bay and vaucluse

"i want to go down now nanay!" 

posing at the roses

with our corvette :P

i didn't regret celebrating my birthday the fancier way. nine years ago, i told myself that at thirty-five i would make it as an option to stop working and to focus on being a mom. it was just a vision that time. i know that God had been so faithful to all my prayers all along. yes, giving up work at any moment is just a matter of choice now.

at thirty-five, at the height of motherhood and a happy marriage, it feels that all i dreamt are just there in front of me, ready to be savoured to the fullest.  and like the rose budding out until its petals stretch out in full length, i'm grateful to have lived to this year,  undoubtedly fulfilled and contented.

drawing and kaela

i realized that i love drawing. a cat. a monkey. a bear. you name it. it is, i think, an awareness i would not discover until i setup the paper on the wall and introduced kaela to a world of making different strokes.

despite the many nights that i come home tired, drawing seems to relax me. it deviates my attention to something other than analysis, auditing, parenting and cleaning. it''s like entertaining the child in me and encouraging it to be creative. to be "me".

so, while kaela is having fun drawing lines, i'm also having the time of my night.
 

 nanay, take a picture of me with my hand raised up!

tracing the apple

that polish kind of easter lunch

our housemate and friend we fondly call "ciocia bo" invited us for a polish style easter lunch. she briefed us that the theme of the dishes would be anything with eggs, as symbolized by Jesus' resurrection from the tomb. it was an interesting likeness as i was not aware why egg is popular during easter despite the prolific usage of "easter egg". francis and i were excited but at the same time pondering how filling it could be to have just eggs for lunch (please understand that filipinos are very fond of rice in every meal and the thought of having just egg could be a little new to us even more so for lunch).

i was wrong. it was such a heavy lunch after eating to my heart's content!

to start with,  we had kir (made from black currant) and semillon wine mix.

there were three appetizers (aside from bread and butter that was served on the side) served in bowls:

stuffed egg: a mixture of yolk, mayonnaise, garlic, dill stirred together and stuffed back to egg halves
egg and mushroom garnished with spring onion
a salad with ham, cheese and corn

three appetizers neatly set on the dining

i was so full by the end of the entrées. i certainly underestimated how heavy they were that i overindulged, scooping twice from the serving bowls each time!

the main was a beautiful and traditional white barzcz żurek, made from fermented wheat and served with white and brown sausages and halved boiled eggs. the sour taste of the soup blended with the smoked sausage and marjoram was exceptional. it is the kind of taste that i think will stay with me for a long time.

very rich barzcz żurek soup

for dessert, we had mazurek topped with dark chocolate, walnut and coconut flakes; and pascha with orange peel and raisins shaped like the tomb of Jesus. 

mazurek

pascha

it was not like our ordinary lunch. it was cooked with ciocia bo's heart and soul 
(together with her two friends who brought the two appetizers). now i understood why she hid for two days in the kitchen.

the polish ladies and me

kaela's prim and proper before the easter lunch

a day at hunter valley

we turned down lina's invitation to go to hunter valley on black saturday. we thought that we would be busy on good friday for a picnic and catching up with friends that we wouldn't have the energy to go out the next day. our plan didn't pan out quite well and we ended up relaxing in most part of the day. by late friday afternoon, we agreed to push through the plan to join my friend and her family.

a coach was booked to give us a private tour of the area. the place is located two hours away north of sydney and is very popular for its wineries. according to james, our driver, there are about 170 wineries in hunter valley and about 40 plus varieties of wine. i confirmed the fact that wineries are not really that profitable to embark on. why, the number of competitors in the area, the temperamental weather in the valley, the bottling plus the agricultural expenses and labour to maintain a vineyard are just so big an outlay. i can only imagine!

we went to a couple of wineries in pokolbin (one of the villages in the valley) : bimbadgen, cellar door, towers, roche estate. pinot noir, semillon, moscato, pinot gris, shiraz, sauvignon blanc were some of the wines i had the pleasure of tasting. apart from my all time favorite moscato, i found another love in pinot noir. i would keep it in memory to come back to bimbadgen and enjoy this wine with the hint of earthiness and sweet spice.

in front of bimbadgen entrance

 
i'm not really a wine fanatic but having a good wine to pair with a nice meat is something i appreciate from time to time. as the quote from the magazine goes, "one's life is too short to keep drinking a bad wine". that's true, somehow. but you see, if you have a true love, it's like also having a good wine... it gets better with time. i decided to stick with my true love. =)

with my true loves

 

we stopped at hunter valley chocolate company for a sweet treat. the place was packed with tourists hoping to get their fair share of chocolatey fudgy goodness. i bought a gluten free nougat for a dear colleague at work who celebrated her birthday the day before. i was thinking to buy the blue cheese salad dressing (yes, they also sell dressing, olives, oil  and chili paste) but after checking the ingredients, i agreed with francis that it's doable at home. other than that, we're just ok looking around and keeping kaela's hands busy so she wouldn't grab anything we're passing by.

 chocolate tasting

at the entrance of hunter valley chocolate company

we had lunch at amanda's. it's a restaurant with the feel of a cottage house and al fresco dining. we were served with ciabatta and butter for starter. kitt liked the beef eye fillet with potatoes. i ordered lamb rack with spinach in filo pastry. the spinach was overbaked and the lamb was dry. the slow service didn't help the hungry tummies at half past one. the price tag... well, that's something you don't ask when you're in hunter valley. you pay for the experience.

amanda's restaurant provided a good cottage house ambience

making a good use of the waiting moment by taking a group photo

the roche estate, which we went to for wine tasting, has also a small stall where cheese, bread and gelato are sold. a lady was kind enough to let us have cheese tasting despite having no booking in advance. the pesto cheese was nice but i decided to go for garlic and herb fromage frais. francis stayed with kaela in the van and i bought him forest fruit gelato, which was very good for the the hot temperature in the parking lot.

cheese tasting at roche estate

 a view of roche estate with its pleasant and very modern architecture

 what will you do if you have a room filled with cheese?

before we ended the day, we went for a cup of coffee. james took us to an old convent, now converted to a winery - the peppers convent, next to roberts circa 1876. the manicured garden with benches was a good spot to enjoy a hot drink to cap the afternoon. much to our disappointment, the place just closed for the day. we traveled back to hunter valley chocolate company to get our caffeine fix.

coffee fix with the whole group

 

 with lina's niece, kellen

the large parcel of land behind the restaurant served as a grazing area for cows. kaela and i attempted to go to the cows but the fellas tending the area whistled at us to come back. we just moo-ed at the cows from a distance, as mighty as we could (kaela must be thrilled to have a nanay as young at heart as her!).

an escape to the cows

we came home with a happy heart, full of good memories to share and tell. will we come back again? only time and moolah can tell!

a good friday morning at mulgoa

my body knew i needed to get up early. and so, at 3:41am, even before the cock crowed (and of course, there's no such thing around the apartment we live in), sleep left  me with no choice.

the morning was still very young but the clanging in the kitchen had started. the oven was set to pre-heat. the frozen spinach, defrosted. the puff pastry, thawed by the brewing warmth in the room. soon enough, the spinach and ricotta quiche aroma filled every corner. it's done and it's time to start the day.

i would never want anything more than a freshly baked quiche in the morning

i woke up francis. then kaela. i checked my phone to confirm that lichelle, our friend, would make it.

the trip to mulgoa lasted for 33 minutes. it is a place frequented by catholic devotees to celebrate holy week by doing stations of the cross. the parking was still not packed. it was a chilly and dismal morning that i was half regretful that i didn't bring a jacket.

nevertheless, the mission to reflect on Jesus' suffering still carried on. above all else, it was the most important task of the day. i thanked the moment. it is not always that i get to re-learn and refresh my memory of what happened during that fateful day of Christ's ordeal to redeem us sinners.

the light drizzle signaled the end of our short journey.

God is good all the time. all the time, God is good.

walking back to the car after the stations of the cross to enjoy a good bite of our quiche

payday fun

after my appointment with the chiropractor, francis met us at george street. it was our usual customary once-a-month lunch after the payday. all month-long, francis would cook our meals. only once would we go out. it's something i look forward to (not intending to downplay francis' skill to cook because he's really good at what he is doing!).

francis chose to try "kanzo", a japanese stall tucked in the dingy sidestreet of parramatta. he enjoyed his order of sashimi platter and asked for another round of sushi and sashimi. the rice with seaweed and pork flakes (i think) was also exceptional. i was disappointed with the ramen, though, replacing the usual tamago with boiled egg and the soup that didn't pull off the authentic taste of japanese cuisine. the lunch was fairly ok and comes with a reasonable price.

 appetizers: salad with seaweed sauce and miso soup

sashimi platter

 

baby chicken roll

 beef ramen

another round  of sashimi and sushi

satisfied customers

after lunch, kaela and kitt went home and i went to the library to borrow some magazines.

on my way home, i realized that gap was on sale and i shopped for a few articles as part of our christmas shopping for pinas. as usual, francis and i didn't buy anything for ourselves. why is it so appealing to buy for others but not for ourselves? probably, clothes are not really our thing!

before i got tempted to buy the whole westfield mall, i came home, half-tired and happy.

leveraging on my depleting energy, i still baked red velvet cupcakes for snacks and served them at 6pm (that's right, 6pm!).

when the sun set down, i was already lethargic to move.  the movie "p.s. i love you" capped the night.

i capped it with tears :P

scarecrow nanay

in most nights, kaela and i are enjoying drawing on the paper-lined wall.

this time, we agreed to draw her hands. then a shirt. then i said,  "ok, let's make it like olaf... with a hat". then the pigtails.

kaela grinned at the perfection of our work.

nanay and kaela's masterpiece

i told kitt before we slept that it scared me to look at the drawing at night. it's disturbing how the broad smile with lonely eyes would work together. it reminded me of a scarecrow.

the next day, francis asked me to come home early. he claimed kaela missed me.

apparently, she walked towards our sketch, pointed mightily and blurted out, "nay, nay". and kissed it.

that sealed it. i look like a scarecrow then.

apple-picking at mt. tomah

mt. tomah is an hour away northwest of parramatta within the blue mountains region. it was sunday and at 20°C, it was a lovely day to pick apples. bogusia (or "bo" for short) and monica (bo's friend) joined us for this trip. this is the first time in two years of staying together with bo that we shared an outdoor activity. we are always busy making different plans for the weekend - i.e. our plan is usually to stay home and  bo's is always to mountain-climb.

we reached pine crest orchard at 10am.we are amongst the early birds and we took pride of having had a bit of chit-chat with the lady manning the the front shop of the farm.

the orchard has a wider range of apples apart from the typical kinds we see in the grocery shop. normally, supermarkets prefer produce that they can sell all year round. hence, some variations are not seen in the market. some of them were really worth trying especially while they are still in season.

jonathan, jonagold and quince are some of the apples that are rarely sold in supermarkets

we tried some of the apples we've never had before:

golden delicious. very juicy and sweet.

jonagold. a breed between jonathon and golden delicious. sweet, yet not as juicy as golden delicious.

quince. with velvety and fibrous skin, slightly sour with a hint of lemon.

in my water: substituting lemon for quince

kaela enjoyed walking around the rough terrain than picking apples. she touched every kind of surface there was. at the end of apple picking, she knew two new vocabularies - butterfly and duck. truly, first hand experience is best when teaching children.

taking a picture with an apple tree

 tatay's vision of his orchard paradise came to life in this photo!

 boohh! scaring you with a scarecrow

with kaela's ciocia bo and ciocia monica

picture before leaving pine crest.

we spent our lunch at blue mountains botanic garden along with our cfc family. it was a pleasant afternoon to devour four different home-cooked adobo (we didn't coordinate obviously who would bring what), sinigang and roasted pork. i guess my stomach stretched out like i'm pregnant after that lunch.

cfc family

it was a relief taking a walk around the park after what seemed to be like a prisoner's last meal. the warm surrounding and the windy afternoon was enticing anyone to stop and have a siesta but of course, everyone's looking forward to driving home and have a rest before starting the week the following day.

kaela with ciocia bo

we enjoyed our day-trip activity. we wish to have more of this event from time to time. totally a good day to tip the scale to living a normal life.